We've been here before

I get it now. Coronavirus COVID-19 is serious and causing society-wide and global disruption. As it began to come into the world’s field of vision, I questioned the role and influence of the media, political motivations during this election year, and lack of common sense hygiene practices of the average person. I didn’t take it seriously.

But something happened that changed all of that. I was brought up short by a section in a book I am reading that takes place during the time of the Mexican Revolution from 1910 to 1920. The fictional book is called The Murmur of Bees by Sofía Segovia. It is the story about a child with the power to change a family's history in a country on the verge of revolution. Imagine my surprise as I came to a chapter about a mysterious illness that sweeps in on the people of this era. A woman was healthy one day and dead the next. Her husband and two children are dead a few days after that. The villagers and the people of the region also began dying in droves. I suddenly found myself reading this fictional narrative about a serious and true story of the Spanish flu of 1918.

The alarm bells began going off in my head. We’ve been here before. This was COVID-19 circa 1918.

I had heard of the Spanish flu. I remember it being something bad from the past. “Something bad” is a terrible understatement. This flu was horrific. The scale of this invisible killer is hard to fathom today. The virus infected 500 million people worldwide and killed an estimated 20 million to 50 million victims. Let those numbers sink in. Up to 50 million dead. To put that in perspective compared to another event of that era, the Spanish flu killed more people than the total civilian and military people killed in all of World War 1.

According to the History channel, “While the global pandemic lasted for two years, the vast majority of deaths were packed into three especially cruel months in the fall of 1918. Historians now believe that the fatal severity of the Spanish flu’s ‘second wave’ was caused by a mutated virus spread by wartime troop movements.” James Harris, a historian at Ohio State University who studies both infectious disease and World War I, believes that the rapid spread of Spanish flu in the fall of 1918 was at least partially to blame on public health officials unwilling to impose quarantines during wartime.

“The rapid spread of Spanish flu in the fall of 1918 was at least partially to blame on public health officials unwilling to impose quarantines during wartime.”

— James Harris

Is this starting to hit home? This was a virus that was spreading rapidly with no vaccine available and increasing death rates, which disrupted social life, economies, and nations. Individuals, families, communities, businesses, and governments were anxious to say the least. If all of that sounds modern to you as it does to me, it begs the question of what to do about it.

What are we to do? Especially as people of faith, what are we to do? Here are some thoughts.

#1 Be thankful we live in the modern era of medicine

I realize this is an “it could be worse” attitude, but history teaches us exactly that lesson. My short response is one of gratitude for what we do know, are able to do, and the preventive attitude adopted by many. Be thankful. The chances of you getting this are slim. Most of those who do get it survive. This is a different state of medicine than 1918. Pause right now and tell God thank you. Really. Thank God.

#2 Take this seriously

I live in Florida where the recent news is of college students who are ignoring the appeals for social distancing and going about their spring break activities at the beach. Now, many of them are facing the harsh reality of testing positive for COVID-19. I know there are many opinions about what to do and what not to do. Many are concerned that the negative economic impact could kill as many people as the virus. The conversations about what are best practices in such a time are important, but one thing that does not help is to ignore or minimize the threat, even if it is minimal in your particular community. So wash your hands, keep your distance, and limit the number of people around you. Monitor your health and that of your family and any others around you.

#3 Know that more will be affected

Testing kits are becoming more available and more will be tested as a result. More who are showing symptoms will also test positive. And it likely get personal. They will be in your circle of friends or family. Be ready. I hope this is wrong, but all indications are that the number of confirmed cases will get worse before it gets better.

#4 Settle in for a long haul

No one knows for sure when this pandemic will peak. No one knows for sure when we will go back to business as usual, even if the president eases social distancing in order to “restart the economy by Easter.” All of us on church staff are preparing as if Easter services will online and not in-person. It will be weeks if not months more of our limited social contact. The heat of summer may slow the spread of the virus. The fall may see its return. A vaccine is likely months away. Settle in and be smart.

#5 Get used to online church

I’m seeing it everywhere. Even low-tech churches are sticking smartphones in front of preachers, streaming to Facebook, and calling it Sunday services. And people are tuning in. At the church I serve, the last two weeks of worship services have been online only. No in-person services. We have had the highest worship attendance in the history of our church. Small groups, student ministry leaders, and Sunday class teachers are using video conferencing technology like Zoom to stay connected. Get used to it. Hold tightly to Jesus. Hold on loosely to everything else. I have the feeling this has already fundamentally affected what “going to church” means for the modern world.

#6 Pray like you mean it

I believe God has the power to heal, change hearts, and affect the physical world around us. My view of the natural world includes the presence of a supernatural God capable of anything within his sovereign will. I have seen too many answered prayers through both natural and supernatural means to think anything less. Pray that God’s will is a short end to this. Pray that we stay strong through it. Pray for those who are anxious, exhausted, sick, or dying. Pray for miracles. Pray like you mean it.

#7 Stay on mission

Love God and love your neighbor as yourself, Jesus said. That is our mission. Now, more than ever we must stay on mission and not cower in fear. Medical staff need our support. They are the soldiers on the front line of this fight and we do well to ask how to love and support them. The vulnerable groups of society need help. Think long and hard how to help them while at the same time keeping them safe. I’ve heard of people picking up medicines or grocery shopping for the elderly. Our associate pastor and mission coordinator helped a small group stuff back packs for students who count on food sent home from now closed schools for weekend meals. Many workers are facing reduced pay or layoffs and will need encouragement, not to mention income. Phone calling is an important ministry in an age of social distancing. This is our time, Christians. This is when we are at our finest. Think local, national, and global. We are the ones who have rushed in when others are rushing out so we can love on people in need. Get creative.

I close with words I posted on Facebook last week. I referenced a benediction written by The Rev. Dr. Richard Halveson, U.S. Senate Chaplain from 1981 to 1994. The benediction is, “You go nowhere by accident. Wherever you go, God is sending you there. Wherever you are, God has put you there. He has a purpose in your being there. Christ, who indwells in you, has something He wants to do through you, wherever you are. Believe this, and go in His grace, and love and power.”

With those words, I added,

Your mission as a believer is not diminished by the pandemic. The new realities caused by the virus is the setting of your ministry, not the removal of it. God has a purpose for you right where you are, even if being home is “wherever you go.” Find your way to love God and love people in the middle of all of this. And “Go in His grace and love and power.”

This is not the first pandemic we’ve faced in this world. We’ve been here before. This will come to an end, but in the mean time, stay on mission, be patient, and be diligent.

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Advice to a Grieving Pastor

On March 6, 2019, my father sat down on his recliner at home, fell asleep, and never woke up. They think it was a heart attack. It may have been “The Widow Maker,” referring to critical blockage of the main artery down the front of the heart. Whatever it was, at 78 years old, my father died with my mother at his side and her barely able to process what was happening.

My sister called and told me what she knew about when and how dad died. It was just after an Ash Wednesday service and my wife, Cile, and I were in a restaurant for a late lunch.  After the initial shock, my immediate thought was what to do about mom. Dad did everything for her. He took care of the home and property, paid bills, cooked and cleaned, and took her to doctor visits. Dad kept us out of all of that almost defiantly, as if to say, “This is my job” or "I don’t want to burden you” or “I can do this without you.” I think he saw it as his duty. It may well have been part of the cause of his death. The caregiver is often the one most at risk of deteriorating health.

As expected, when we were finally able to get mom’s home, finances, medical, and legal matters in hand, we had much to do. We still do. Two months later, mom is still grieving deeply and there are some fundamental questions of her care that are yet to be answered. Happily, we are making great progress. My attorney, Andrew Gracy, has been a saint as has my care manager friend Kelli Edwards and many others. Their words have been both practical and comforting. The outpouring of care and concern for me and my family has been tremendous.

That outpouring of care is what is on my mind today. I have a stack of sympathy cards sitting on my writing desk at home, waiting for me to sit down and properly acknowledge. I’m sure I will have more reflections on his death in the future, but today I want to tell you about one person’s response. It was a letter from a woman my age whose father died eight years ago. The timing of her letter to me was one of those God-timed moments. I needed her words and there they were. She spoke of her experience and turned it into advice for me. I’ve asked her if I could share them. She agreed and here are her words. Perhaps they will be useful for you as well.

A Letter to Her Pastor

Dear Pastor John,

We were so sad to hear about the death of your father.

My own dad passed away a few days after Kate Middleton and Prince William got married. I remember that because I was sitting in his living room watching the wedding with him. He had been very sick for several years. When Kate was walking down the aisle, her sister Pippa was carrying her train. “Her sister fills out her dress better” was his comment…masculine to the end.

After my dad died, I was so bereft that the pain felt overwhelming. Can someone love you completely, with not expectation of personal gain? I think my dad loved me that way. I could turn to him for advice that was perceptive and ethical. I still miss his guidance. It was like looking through a smudged window; my dad could wipe away the dust and I could see things clearly again.

The reason I am writing you this is with the hope that I can pass on some of the helpful advice I was given.

Piece of Advice #1 - Hang on to a happy memory and focus on that

Mrs. Quick’s [a mutual friend] daughter, Ann, called to offer sympathy. It wasn’t so much of a conversation because the crying was choking me. Grief felt like a big gray cloud I couldn’t see through. Ann suggested that I hang on to a happy memory and focus on that. The last years of his life had been so tough that I wasn’t seeing the big picture. My dad had liked to grow things (all his children do too!). I have a big pot of amaryllis in front of the house. We called them “Ralphs” because my dad gave them to me. I would think of my dad and his garden when I looked at them. Slowly, the pain did start to get better…

Piece of Advice #2 - Find a place for the pain

Another friend says of the pain, “It doesn’t go away, but you find a place for it.”

It took me about two years to “come out of mourning.” My perspective shifted. I could see my dad’s life from more of a crane shot - many years of happy productivity with just a couple of tough ones at the end. He’d survived the Florida depression (“The Bust”), licked the Germans in WWII (he loved the Navy and the food…he gained 10 pounds), got married, raised five children, and ran his own business. Even though he couldn’t walk, he “went to the office” until the week he died. Death does not define him.

Piece of Advice #3 - Remember to be kind

When a parent dies and you have siblings…

When a parent dies, we revert. It’s like the tide is drawn back. All the barnacles and dead seaweed and muck are exposed. Resist the temptation to pick on anyone. Remember to be kind. Your whole family is grieving too. Don’t keep score. Be gentle.

Piece of Advice #4 - Give yourself time

As my pastor (you) said at the time, “Be kind to yourself too. You are in the desert. Give your time.”

Piece of Advice #5 - With the surviving parent, spend as much time as you can without driving yourself crazy.

My mother survived my dad. My relationship with my mother was more complicated. I wanted advice on how to take care of her - a formula for doing my share. How much sacrifice was an acceptable amount? When I asked a Hospice counselor how much time I should spend with my mother, he said, “As much as you can without driving yourself crazy.” That seemed trite at the time, but it turned out to be helpful. Personally, I could spend two hours with my mom before I’d had it. I visited her three times a week for two hours a visit. I wish I had been stronger and could have done more for her, but more started to make me crazy.

Piece of Advice #6 - Coordinate with your siblings

Don’t expect everyone to do the same thing (see #5 above), but if you can, don’t duplicate effort. Coordinating is more difficult if, like me, you come from a family of introverts, but it is important to speak up. We were all calling my mom on Sunday afternoons. With some coordination, we all picked a night of the week to call. If someone couldn't get through (sometimes the phone was off the hook), I could run over and check on her.

Dad’s are loving and gentle, funny and strong. I’m grateful that we have dads. Mine is in my heart and my head still. Your daughters, as old women, will feel the same way about you.

Wishing you blessings and healing,

Suzanne Wood

My Response

At the time I received the letter, those words were like water to a dry sponge. I soaked them up and treasured them. There was nothing new in that advice. I’ve said most of it myself to others. In fact, I said #4 above to Suzanne. What was divine and beautiful and rich was how at the moment that I needed to hear certain words, God spoke through Suzanne to me.

Here is my encouragement to you. Be Suzanne for someone else. You may know someone going through a hard time. Speak with them or, better yet, write to them words of encouragement and hope. You never know the impact your words may have.

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Appeal to the Heroic in the People Around You

One of my pastors once told the story of three military recruiters who were to address high school seniors. One was from the Army, a second from the Navy, and the third from the Marine Corps. Each was given 15 minutes to speak. The Army and Navy recruiters got carried away, so when it came time for the Marine to speak, he had just two minutes. He walked up and stood utterly silent for a full sixty seconds, half of his time. Then he said, “I doubt whether there are two or three of you in this room who would even stand a chance in the Marine Corps. But I want to see those two or three immediately in the dining hall when we are dismissed.” He turned smartly and sat down. When they all arrived in the dining hall, the Army and Navy recruiters had a few students around them, but the Marine recruiter had a crowd of students wanting to talk.

A Christian leadership magazine retold that story from my pastor a few years later and put it under the category “Appeal to the Heroic.” I remember seeing the category they gave it and thinking how accurately it described my pastor. It is easy for anyone to look for the flaws in others, be negative, be critical under the guise of “just being realistic,” and tear down rather than build up the other person. My pastor appealed to a different way. A better way. It is far better to always seek and call out the best in others.

What if instead of negativity and a critical spirit, you appealed to the greater good with the following people?

Your Children

Yes, they drive you crazy at times, but what if you looked at them for who they could become, not who they were in that annoying moment. Your child may be the next great scientist, artist, educator or doctor. You are the grown up. You know how life develops people into wonderful surprises. Give your children a better vision of how life could be for them as they develop their very best qualities. They might surprise you with what they do. After all, how many of us know people who are surprised how well we turned out? Give your kids a big vision for their lives.

Your Spouse

You married your spouse for better or for worse. In those long seasons of the latter, think how much less stressful life could be if we choose to see and appreciate the best in our spouse. Any spouse can easily create a list of the flaws of the other. Knowing what is on the list, it is easy to slip into a mindset of depreciating your spouse. Look somewhere else instead. Consider how God sees us. God knows the list of our flaws in precise, thorough, and brutal detail. And yet God declares us beloved and worthy of redemption in Christ. See your spouse that same way. If you must look at the flaws and sins, look long enough to see that which is forgiven. Then look at the good and redeeming qualities that make them your beloved. Look at the things you appreciate.

Your Parents

Whether you are a child or an adult, your parents are important people. Maybe you know just how wonderful your parents are or maybe it is the opposite and you see how much pain they have caused. At some point, try to understand them for who they are and what they themselves have been through. Broken parents often were raised in broken homes. More importantly, consider what their life could be like in the future if they could have a different vision for their own life. It is easy to hold their failures ever before them, but so much more fruitful to give them a greater vision for their future. As for the awesome parents, how blessed they will be as you honor them with words of affirmation and see the heroic in them.

Your Friends

Nothing stings like the betrayal of a friend, and nothing is quite as satisfying as the deep bond between good friends. Think about your friends right now. What is it about them you like? What brings you happiness or into solidarity with them? I’ve noticed that people often think things that are positive and affirming, but for whatever reason never say those words to the other person. So tell them! Tell them what you notice that is great. Tell them why you think that quality about them is great. If you think about it, I’ll be you can even name how it makes you feel. Tell them that too. There is nothing like supporting and encouraging words spoken from a true friend.

Your Boss

This may be a stretch for some. The boss is the boss and for some it feels way too personal to say something about the character of the boss. But consider this: the boss is a living, breathing, thinking, feeling person just like you. I promise you that your boss has rough days. Your boss has hopes and dreams too. Why not speak into all of who your boss is. Tell them what you see, what you value in him or her. Don’t do it to kiss up to the boss to get something for yourself; do it because you see him or her as a person who matters. Rather than look for the worst, seek and call out the best in your boss.

All of this is really saying that if we would see others as God sees them, we might have a whole new outlook in them. See the good. Look for it and appeal to it constantly. Appeal to the heroic in others. It might just change everything.

So there it is. Go build up the people in your life with an outpouring of your support, a calling forth of the best part of who they are and who they can be.

Pick someone and do it now.

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Helping Those Who Are Depressed

It’s February. Many people in this world are in the middle of long, sunless, gray winter weeks. For some, seasonal depression is felt in addition to depression they experience on a regular basis. For those who love those with depression, we can feel powerless to help at times. I know, as I have lived with it in my family.

Close to home

Not long ago, my wife, Cile, stood before our church and shared her story of dealing with depression as the “uninvited and unwelcome guest” in her life. She struggles with moderate depression. Most were surprised to hear about this. If you know her, you know her to be mostly happy and positive. That is true and I am wild about that playful, happy-go-lucky part of her. We have so much fun together. That doesn’t mean that depression doesn’t exist. It means that she has learned great coping skills. I’ve known Cile for 37 years and we’ve been married for 35 of those years. This is not something we share. Like most people, I feel sad or depressed at times, usually when dealing with a loss or a life struggle. Those times are always temporary. They never leave me feeling helpless, hopeless, or worthless. They never last for many days or keep me from living my life.

Ten things to do

Over the years with Cile and talking with many others as a pastor, I’ve learned some things about helping those with depression. If you are the one in a friendship or romantic relationship with someone who struggles with depression, consider the following.

1. Learn about depression. Many people don’t understand what exactly it is. You can show your care for the depressed person by learning about their struggle. Google, YouTube, and Pinterest it.

2. Talk with them about the depression. Don’t let it become a silent topic. Everyone wants to be heard and depressed people are no exception. Ask questions. Start with “When did you begin feeling like this?” or “How can I best support you right now?” 

3. Don’t take it personally. If the person speaks harshly toward you in the depths of depression, it is often not about you. Filter those comments through that lens and don’t take it personally. Obviously, deal with the truth of their words even if delivered harshly.

4. Be patient. The person is your friend or sibling or spouse and they are struggling. Stop what you are doing, sit down, take some time, and journey with them. Patiently. 

5. Affirm, affirm, affirm. I’ve notice that people in the middle of depression lack perspective on good things. I find it helps people to say things like, “You are a great __________” or “I hope you know ____________ is incredibly good in your life.” Give details. Explain why you say it. Repeat the affirmations. I may say the same things over and over, sometimes in the same conversation.

6. Speak the truth. If someone says something that is not true, don’t let it slide. If someone says, “I aways screw things up” or “Only bad things happen to me,” let them finish their thought, but don’t let what is not true go unaddressed. It can develop into a irrefutable truth for them that is ever harder to dismantle later. Simply say, “I hear what you are saying, but I don’t believe it at all” and then explain why.

7. Get them moving. Sitting on the couch playing Candy Crush, scrolling through Facebook, or staring at the television is not helping. Do whatever you can to get them moving Have them help do household chores, go for a walk with them, go run errands together, or, if possible, get them exercising. Distance running has been great for Cile.

8. Invite them places. The depressed person feels like isolating and the more they isolate the fewer invitations to go to parties or other social gathers. They may still say no, but the depressed person will still value being asked. Even better, they may say yes.

9. Pray for them. Some people say they will pray and don’t. Actually pray. Ask God to remove the veil of darkness from the depression. Ask for specific help for immediately felt burdens. I’ve seen God do some amazing things.

10. Love them. Doing everything above is loving them. So is just physically being with them and telling them again and again that you love them.

Seven things to avoid saying

I’ve said and learned from, and heard and cringed over many unhelpful words to depressed people. Here are some things to avoid saying.

1. “Just snap out of it.” If they could, they would. Not helpful.

2. “You should ___________.” Remove the word “should” from your vocabulary. It is you trying to fix things by imposing your solutions. This is not about fixing. A friend of mine says, “Don’t should on me” whenever someone says, “You should ______.”

3. “Look on the bright side.” You do want them to see what is good, but only this platitude in a sentence is saying too little.

4. “It’s all in your head.” Usually they mean by this, it is imagined problems. Tilting at windmills. That is not true. Most forms of depression are a chemical change in the brain after a painful event or around childbirth.

5. “What’s wrong with you?” One thing that is wrong in their life at the moment is the person who is asking, “What’s wrong with you?” They are depressed. It’s a thing. it happens.

6. “If your faith was stronger you wouldn’t feel this way.” Don’t faith shame. I believe it is true that if someone were to have a supernatural experience of the radiant holiness of God, their life would be flooded with the light of God and darkness would fall away. Still, faith shaming doesn’t help.

7. “Why are you still depressed?” This is where the patience mentioned above is needed. Depression may be present for years.

If the risk of suicide seems real

It may be hard to think your loved one would ever consider suicide, but depressed people sometimes find life so difficult or their situation so dire that their judgment is clouded. Suicidal people rarely have a death wish. It is not that they want to die; they want the pain to go away and they see no other way but through death.

Here are warning signs someone may be contemplating suicide

• Preoccupation about death and dying

• Talking about how they feel utterly hopeless, helpless, or alone. Along with this may be expressing self-hate.

• Giving away valuable items

• Saying what amounts to goodbyes to loved ones

• Sudden interest in pills, weapons, or other lethal objects

• Describing how they would take their life in details about how, where, and when.

• Sudden sense of calm after a depression

If you believe your loved one is at immediate risk of suicide, take action.

• Do NOT leave them alone

• Call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255 (TALK)

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My Top Ten Books of 2018

In case you were wondering or looking for some 2019 reading materials, here are my ten favorite reads from 2018.

#10 — Counterfeit Gods: The Empty Promises of Money, Sex, and Power, and the Only Hope That Matters

Written by Tim Keller. So relevant a topic for our day. We have made lesser things our gods - Keller calls the heart an “idol-factory” taking good things and making them into idols that drive us - when God is available to completely satisfy our cravings.

#9 — Before We Were Yours: A Novel

Written by Lisa Wingate. It’s a novel based on the real-life scandal of a Memphis-based adoption organization that kidnapped and sold poor children to wealthy families. Even if melodramatic in places, I couldn’t put it down.

#8 — Love Does: Discover a Secretly Incredible Life in an Ordinary World

Written by Bob Goff. I first heard Bob Goff speak at a conference last year and loved reading his book of stories and truths seeking to empower people to impact the world around them.

#7 — Educated: A Memoir

Written by Tara Westover. More than a reminder of the problems of fundamentalism in any religious or political system, this is an exploration of the tension between holding on to the heartstrings of our upbringing and moving beyond our past when that past was damaging.

#6 — The Soul of America: The Battle for Our Better Angels

Written by Jon Meacham. This book is a journey through the past to remind us “we have come through such darkness before,” referring to deep political divisions generally and controversial presidents in particular. Meacham reminds us, as Abraham Lincoln famously said it, the “better angels of our nature” have found a way to prevail.

#5 — Start With Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action

Written by Simon Sinek. A great reminder that if we don’t have the “why” of our core motivations clear, our “how” and “what” will fall flat.

#4 — Thank You For Being Late: An Optimist’s Guide to Thriving In the Age of Accelerations

Written by Thomas Friedman. Great explanatory journalism for how to think about our times. Friedman seeks to help people understand why it is we feel like the world is accelerating faster than we can process the information in multiple areas of life. Some will argue his utopian optimism, but in the end, he calls for interpersonal connection in community as an alternative to interpersonal enmity as a way forward. We are in this together.

#3 — Canoeing the Mountains: Christian Leadership in Uncharted Territory

Written by Tod Bolsinger. The title is from the adaptive work of Lewis and Clark. They thought they could canoe their way to the west coast until they hit the Rockies. They then needed to leave behind the canoes and find new navigational tools. The Church in the west is in uncharted territory and leaders need to be adaptive.

#2 — Dopesick: Dealers, Doctors, and the Drug Companies that Addicted America

Written by Beth Macy. This book opened my eyes to opioid crisis in America by charting the development of it starting with the OxyContin introduction in 1996. Macy does not pull punches in the personal devastation, inadequate treatments, and lack of consensus on how to treat. Yet, she also gives us stories of hope of changed lives.

#1 - The Bible

Of course. Cover to cover. Every year. I really do continue to marvel at the breath of the human condition into which God speaks through his Word and the hope offered for a better life and future.

Recovering Mystery At Christmas

For me, Christmas has always been a happy season and Christmas itself a happy day. It was a combination of faith and family that made it so special. I grew up on Air Force bases, so those Christmases when we returned home to Florida to be with extended family made Christmas even better.

Christmas just gets to me. As my daughter used to say, “It kind of hits you in the feels.” Maybe you feel that way too.

Beyond nostalgia

Growing up, we had several traditions around Christmas. We had Christmas Eve church services. On Christmas morning, my sisters and I had to wait before we could enter the room with the gifts. My parents arranged the stockings and the gifts under the tree as we waited. They then had a camera ready to capture the moment we entered the room. Through the years, we have a lot of photos of disheveled, pajama-wearing Fullerton children reacting to what bridal photographers now call the “first look.” We then lingered as a family to play with toys, eat candy, have a meal together, and spend the rest of the day together as a family.

I love hearing people describe their Christmas traditions of church, tree trimming, decorating, baking, parties, and family gatherings. I also love hearing what people grew up doing and they still do as adults. That is the nostalgia of Christmas.

I don’t bake, but I shop, decorate, and enjoy the traditions. In the midst of all of those traditions are moments that are way beyond nostalgia for me. Behind and above all are moments of genuine wonder at what happened that led to this season. God, who is spirit and does not have a body like we do, became flesh and blood. Incarnation. God chose to become what he was not before: one of us. That is big.

O Magnum Mysterium

Last Sunday, Cile and I had a day of Christmas musicals. Our own church performed a dozen songs with narration, orchestra, dance, multimedia, and choir. The symbol of a rose was used to tell of the unspeakable love behind God becoming flesh and blood.

Sunday night, we went to hear the Master Chorale of Tampa Bay and several youth choirs sing a collection of mostly sacred songs. One in particular was called O Magnum Mysterium. The Latin text translated: “O great mystery, and wonderful sacrament, that animals should see the newborn Lord, lying in a manager! Blessed is the Virgin whose womb was worthy to bear the Lord, Jesus Christ. Allelujah.”

It’s that. The Magnum Mysterium. The great mystery of the baby lying in the manger, who is the eternal God made flesh and blood, that is so incredible.

One of the Apollo astronauts once described the scientific feat that it took to take that “one small step for man…one giant leap for mankind.” He described in detail the work to get spaceships to the moon and back. He concluded that what amazed him even more, what was far more incredible than the fact that man set foot on the moon was the fact that God set foot on this earth. O Magnum Mysterium!

Darkness decreases

I’m on a mission to try to recover that mystery at Christmas, but it is hard to break through the mental clutter of the season. We are so frantic it is often hard to see what matters most.

For some, the issue is the pain of the season. For those missing loved ones or thinking back on sorrows of the past, this season is not all happiness and sugar plum fairies. For others, it is the pace of this season, increased financial pressure, and the fact that at Christmas we face once again whatever nuttiness lies within our family that make this a dark season.

Deeper still is the reality of why God became flesh in the first place. In what Christians now read as prophecy about the spiritual condition that led to the Incarnation, the prophet Isaiah taught that the people were living “in darkness.” Their lives were being lived without the favor of God. On them, the prophet said, a “great light” would come.

A great light did come.

That light we first meet is the infant child of Mary and Joseph. At Christmas, as early church leader Gregory of Nyssa wrote, “darkness decreases, light increases and night is driven back again…. the black night of sin, which had reached its height by the accumulation of every guilty device, is this day stopped in its course.”

That spiritual darkness is still real. People still live in ways that push God aside and do not have the favor of God. Hostility, indifference to suffering, abuse of personal powers, addictions, sexual sin, and greed are pervasive. What is God’s answer to that darkness? Light. Radiant, powerful light. “On them a light has come.” To them, to us, Jesus has come to decrease the darkness. The black night of sin is stopped in its course.

A different Christmas

Voices in our culture cry out, “Put Christ back into Christmas” as an effort to beat back the commercialism of the season. That is a noble effort. Those voices are trying to recover something that feels removed from culture. The “put Christ back into Christmas” movement, however, always strikes me as odd. Christ never left Christmas. Christ is in the very name CHRISTmas. Even the shorthand Xmas has Christ in the very name since it begins with the Greek letter chi (noted by an X) and is shorthand for the Greek word for Christ. That is to say Christ is in, has always been in, and will always be the whole reason for Christmas. What we need is to remember that.

Maybe this year can be different. Maybe the mystery of God becoming flesh can occupy more of your thoughts. Maybe the feeling, the thing that gets you most, can be remembering the sacred. As Augustine, the fourth century bishop of the church once wrote, that “this day is sacred not because of the visible sun, but because of the Birth of He who is the invisible Creator of the sun.”

Maybe this year, instead of getting hung up on whether retailers say, “Merry Christmas,” we can savor within ourselves how the Incarnation is a sacred, holy, purposeful, and beautiful mystery and let that be the thing that compels us most.

May it be so for you.

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10 Ways to Make This Christmas Awesome

This is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. It is often the most stressful time of the year. The pace is frenetic, the spending is relentless, and even Christmas day is nearly manic for many. I hope this year you can create a different feel, pace, and reality for Christmas. Here are ten ways to make it awesome.  

1. Get some great music going. Create a Christmas playlist on your music streaming service and put it on repeat. Get a good Pandora station. In my home, we love A Celtic Celebration by Night Heron Consort. We always listen to Christmas by Plus One (a nineties Christian boy band…don’t judge us). Maybe for you it is that great Vince Guaraldi’s A Charlie Brown Christmas album or something classical such as J.S. Bach’s Christmas Oratorio.

2. Finish your shopping early. Like, is it done yet? I know some who make it part of the Christmas tradition to start and finish shopping in one day. However you do it, don’t wait until the days before. Make your list, check it twice, shop. Soon. Being done then lets you focus on people and experiences.

3. Chill about the gifts. This is hard for many to do, but imagine if the focus came off the glitzy store-bought gifts and went onto the handmade gifts or gift of one’s presence. Some of the best gifts ever are handmade gifts from our girls. One of them was a tongue depressor with a face drawn and wrapped in linen. It was baby Jesus, although the face looks amazingly like Homer Simpson. We call it Baby Homer and it is a treasured gift.

4. Add candles. Lots of candles. Give your home a winter night’s vibe. It changes the feel of the room and you’ll feel like it is a special season.  Look up Advent candles at home and make that part of it too.

5. Make room for a daily devotional. Find a time each day that you will read. If you have others at home with you, work hard to find a time to do this together. This is far more than a commercial season of gifts and parties, it is above all a spiritual season. Give it space. Google “Advent Devotional book” and choose one that looks good.

6. Pick one person or family to bless. Surprise them with a meal, baked goodies, or some outpouring of care. You decide if you do that secretly or out in the open, but find the thrill of making a difference in another person’s life.

7. Go Christmas caroling. Get neighbors, family, church friends and go singing through the neighborhood or a care facility.  Bring hot chocolate with you (yes, even here in Florida where you will be singing in 75 degree weather). There is nothing like seeing people smile as you sing.

8. Watch the movie Elf. I know I should say watch some Jesus movie like The Nativity. Or a classic like It’s a Wonderful Life. Or Christmas Vacation. You can do that too. Have some fun with family and friends and watch Elf together.

9. Volunteer somewhere. Give the gift of your time to a shelter, food bank, hospital, or anyplace taking care of people.

10. Go to a Christmas Eve church service. Look for one that has candle lighting. Hear the story once more among people who share your faith. Be ready for Christmas morning that way.

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A vision for racial diversity

We need a better vision of racial diversity. Everyone needs this better vision, but I’m writing to white people today. White people tend to go to the extremes of white superiority or white guilt instead of embracing all races, including our own. We can do better. We need to do better.

Racism is alive and well

I wish I could say that “on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners” are sitting down together regularly “at the table of brotherhood.” Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. dreamed it would be so. I wish we lived in a country in which people are not “judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.” We have made progress. In many places and with many individuals, it is so much better. At times, it feels like we are beginning to see a world that values racial diversity. 

And then something like Charlottsville happens. White supremacists rallied, opposition arose, and a mad man drove his car through a crowd killing a young woman. You can almost hear sound of the calendar rolling back decades of racial progress. And we realize once again that racism is alive and well.

It is personal before it is political

My main interest is not in what government workers or politicians do (or stop doing) to combat racism, create a more just world through legislation, or ensure laws are more evenly enforced. Important as that is, none of that will happen without addressing the disposition of the heart. Principles of the heart. My interest is in principles that shape how we see others and only then work their way out into behaviors, relationships, laws, and law enforcement.

We have a better vision

God has already given us a beautiful vision about race. If we get the vision right, everything else will follow. It must start there.

It was God’s plan to make us racially diverse. God chose to make us beautifully diverse. A perspective that keeps that choice of God in mind has no room for demeaning or dehumanizing others for the color of their skin. Children understand this. Most six year olds understand naturally what many 46 year olds don’t: see the person, not the skin. You actually have to be taught racism.

Kingdom theology and racial diversity

Theologian John Bright wrote that Jesus never paused to define the phrase “kingdom of God,” yet the phase “lay within the vocabulary of every Jew.” The phrase describes the notion of a people of God called to live under the rule of God. The idea of the kingdom of God begins in the Old Testament with God delivering Jewish people to serve and obey as God’s chosen people. In the New Testament, Jesus is the fulfillment of all the hope of Israel and the one who came to set up the kingdom of God on earth. The central message of Jesus was the kingdom of God. It has “come near” Jesus said as a summary of his ministry (Mark 1:15).

When you understand faith through a “kingdom” lens, it creates value in human racial diversity without preferences for one race over another. Thoughts of racial superiority by any person or group are not part of the vision; they are a distortion of it. Again, John Bright: “whatever divisions exist in society, and whatever may be the right solution of them, within the body of Christ such divisions have no relevancy whatever. . . . If we are in Christ, we do not need to be made one; we are one.”

White is not superior

If that is true, how can one group with one skin color look at another with anything but love, connection, and sense of unity? How can some white people feel superior to those of other skin colors? And how can you possibly claim to follow Jesus and feel that way? Answer: you can’t without distorting kingdom theology.

White is not superior. White is one of the many beautiful skin colors of the children of God. Sadly, some refuse to see that.

Let’s call it what it is

Charlottesville is a good example to frame the issue. Hatred was on display for the world to see by those who elevate white skin color over others. The ideology underlying what happened is flawed.

I’ve heard the terms. Alt-right, white identity, white supremacy, white nationalism. We tend to lump them into one meaning, but they are not the same. Some are more politically-oriented than others, but they are all equally flawed and unbiblical.

As one pastor put it, in the case of Charlottesville, “This is racism. This is domestic terrorism. This is religious extremism. This is bigotry. It is blind hatred of the most vile kind. It doesn’t represent America. It doesn’t represent Jesus. It doesn’t speak for the majority of white Americans. It’s a cancerous, terrible, putrid sickness that represents the absolute worst of who we are.”

What to do

Since it is groups of whites making the news with their flawed and unbiblical ideology, it is important for the rest of the white people to take a stand on this issue. Tolerance is a problem.  What we tolerate, we accept. What we accept, we encourage. What we encourage, we live. We can do better. What follows is a start for what we can do.

Get vocal

I know most people are not confrontational, but silence here is worse. Silence emboldens. This is the time for us to declare that the voice of racists will not win the day. Get vocal. When someone says something undermining God’s work of racial diversity, say something. When someone tells a racial joke, “don’t tell me racial jokes anymore” is fair.  When someone is bashing the reactions of people of color to a news event, let your first words be ones of support. Most white people have no idea what it is like. I’ve listened to my friends of color describe living through mistreatment, condescending words, and outright violence.

Get active

Do your homework and find a group you want to support that is doing good things to live the better vision. You may choose a politically-minded group seeking to change. Or maybe you want to support a faith-based group training leaders. You could also get involved in organizations at school or work that support racial diversity. It may be that you want to build genuine friendships and connections with another individual or family. Do it. Have dinner at home, go to sporting events, get coffee, or just hang out with that person or family.

Get informed

Too often we rely on a single news source to help us understand the issues. I scroll through at least four, usually six different news sources to read reporting on the exact same event. I feel better informed that way. Narrow-mindedness is all over the political spectrum these days. We can do better. Listen to contrasting voices on issues of race. Read books. Have you read Waking Up White by Debby Irving yet? Listen to podcasts. Go to lectures. Study the issues.

Not there yet

On October 8, 1963, singer Sam Cooke pulled into a Holiday Inn in Shreveport, Louisiana, to get a room for him and his family. When they saw he was an African American man, they told him there were no vacancies. Sam Cooke was angry, let them know it, and soon after the police arrested him for disturbing the peace. African Americans were outraged. In response, Sam Cooke wrote the haunting and beautiful song, A Change Is Gonna Come, with the great line, “It’s been a long time coming, but I know a change gonna come.”

In 2018, 55 years later, we’re still not there. It is still a long time coming, but I know “a change gonna come.” Let that change begin with you.

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Hug your friends, kiss your spouse, and tell everyone you love them. Today.

November here in Florida is a month of endings and beginnings. It is the end of the heat of summer, hurricane season, and reasonable traffic. It is the beginning of “snowbird” season, weekend outdoor festivals, and pretty much every reason people want to be in Florida from now through April.

This November has hit hard with endings. Death, dying, and serious illness has been all around me. Friends of all ages are battling serious illnesses and a few are preparing for what I call the “final journey” in life. Several recent deaths were the usual course of life and at an old age. Several were heartbreaking and devastating.

Rick’s Story

Rick had heart bypass surgery a few weeks ago and it was a great success. He and I talked at length before the surgery. All of the understandable fears and concerns about such a major surgery were there. He was ready to die if that is what was to be, but at 64 years old he didn’t want to die. He had a list of reasons he wanted to live. I prayed with him and he went into surgery feeling confident that no matter what the outcome, good or bad, he was fine and his family would be fine.

A few days after surgery, he was recovering ahead of schedule. He and I talked about life and death again and how it seemed God’s will for his life was to live longer. He talked about how he intended to make it his mission in life to talk to men about their health and taking care of their bodies, including what they ate and the importance of not smoking.

Two weeks later, Rick was dead. In a series of health events no one fully understands yet, he went from having an infection, to serious bleeding, to “dead colon” surgery, to a second surgery, and finally to a body that could not handle the stress. The night before, all of us, including his wife, Dell, went to bed knowing it was serious, but also sensing the last surgery had done the job and the road to recovery would begin. But he did not recover.

Talking to God

I did not see this coming . The morning before Rick died, I could see he was not well and he was concerned, but my prayers were bold and victorious. He needed confidence and assurance and I was happy to provide it. I felt that way. Then the afternoon came. He got worse. And worse.

I remember praying, “God, I know you know this, but I don’t want Rick to die. You can do the miraculous. I ask you to do that for him.” I prayed that all night long, ever more fervently as the reports came to me throughout the night.

I got a text just after 7 am. The new widow told me her husband was gone. My hands covered my face and I wept. Even as I write this nearly a week later, I can’t believe it. The family is devastated. We are all numb with shock.

The seasonal nature of life

November has hit hard with endings in life. Rick’s story is one. As terrible and heartbreaking as it is, it is only one lately. In every ending, I have learned to look for beginnings. I have learned to look for hope.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.” God reminds us of the seasonal nature of life with those words from the writer of Ecclesiastes in the Bible. There is hope in those words. Renewal. Life. Future. Even joy.

We are not told why some people live long seasons of life and others only hours. We are not told why some people have health and abundance and comfort and others do not. We are simply told that one day, a new season comes to everyone. Laughter will follow tears. Peace will follow war. Dancing will follow mourning.

There is a time for everything. There is a time for beginnings — births, fresh starts, new realities. There is a time for endings — deaths, dying, terminal illness, finishing well.

No cause for despair

Most people don’t like to even think about endings like death, much less to talk about it. But part of the reason I became a pastor was I felt like not talking about these things was missing something essential, important, and in so many ways, beautiful about life.

I remember being in a Catholic church during college and a woman fell over dead in church. Paramedics came down the center aisle and started working on her. Right there. Fifteen feet from me. When they wheeled her away, I was eager to hear what the priest said next. “We must remember that this too is part of life. Death is a part of life.” He said it with simplicity and dignity. They were the perfect words. Do not be afraid of this. It is part of this life too.

Death is part of life. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it hurts when it comes suddenly. Or at too young an age. Or tragically. But no one is immune to the reality of death. We must come to terms with it.

I won’t speak for how others come to terms with death, but as a Christian, I process death differently. With Rick, who is also a Christian, I believe he passed through physical death to eternal life with God in heaven. It happened because of a singular event of human history when God became flesh and blood in Jesus Christ. That singular event changed many things, including eliminating fear and anxiety about what happens at death. “The one who believes in me will live, even though they die” Jesus once said to a grieving woman.

Of course, we weep, but there is a difference. We mourn, but there is something deeper beneath the mourning. We are sad, but we do not despair. We have hope. My funeral worker friends tell me they can tell the difference between the grief of a person with faith and a person without faith.

What to do with endings

So when life hits hard and endings force themselves upon you, what do you do? It is the question of the moment for Rick’s family. It is the question of the moment for many families. I too am dealing with the question. Besides being attentive to the unique journey through grief, a work so important to healing, what do you do?

I suggest three things, all of which have to do with finding peace. First, make peace with yourself. If you have done wrong, failed, or sinned, remind yourself that you are human, that humans do such things, and make peace with yourself. I realize your wrong may have been terrible or tragic, but unless you are planning on doing it again, it is in your past. Leave it there.

Second, make peace with others. If you have wronged someone, apologize. Just do it. If they respond well, fantastic. If not, you have done your part. As long as making amends won’t cause further harm, reach out and humbly express your sorrow. If the other person is no longer alive, write them a letter expressing it. And let me name the core issue blocking such peace making: ego. Pride. Embarrassment. Call it what you want, just get over it and make peace. Death bed reconciliation stories are great. Even better are making peace followed by decades of enjoying each other.

Finally, make peace with God. One day we too will follow Rick through death to what lies beyond. If you have not taken seriously the fact of your inevitable death, you have not really made peace with God. You are not ready to meet the God before whom you will stand one day. Now is the time to get ready for that moment. Doing so prepares you for death and makes this life far more fulfilling, liberating, enjoyable, and purposeful.

Live ready

One of my favorite stories ever is the story of a monk working in a garden. Someone came up to him and asked, “Father, if you knew Jesus were to return to this earth this evening for the Second Coming, how would you spend the rest of this day?” The monk leaned on his hoe, wiped the sweat from his brow, thought for a moment, looked down the rows of vegetables, and then said, “If I knew Jesus were to return this evening, I think I would finishing hoeing this row.”

That is a man who is at peace with himself, at peace with others, and at peace with God. He lives in the moment and is ready for anything, including the end of time.

Live ready. Hug your friends, kiss your spouse, and tell everyone you love them. Don’t wait. Do it today.

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Why you need a will

In this post, my attorney Andrew Gracy writes on the importance of having a will. He is a Florida attorney. Your state may have differences, but the basic concepts are the same.

As a pastor, I’ve seen grieving families confused, anxious, frustrated, or angry over legal matters. You can help avoid that. Write a will. You will feel better and your family members or the courts won’t have to guess what to do with your assets.

As for talking about your death, relax. Talking about and acting on anything related to what happens when you die does not hasten the day of your death. No need for superstition. Just go make your will.

Words from Attorney Andrews Gracy

As a resident of the state of Florida, everyone has a will. The question is whether you wrote the will or was it written for you by the state of Florida?

The purpose of a will

The obvious reason for writing a will is personalization. A will ensures your assets are given to the appropriate people, at the appropriate time, upon one’s death.  We spend a lifetime accumulating wealth, and we want to know our hard earned wealth is inherited by the right people or charities that respect and appreciate our gifts. You may not want your assets to end up in the hands of your child’s creditors, or his or her ex spouse.

Should you die with dependent minor children, a will ensures that any benefits and funds you leave for your children are used in the appropriate manner, and not wastefully on desires or frivolous wants. The personalization of a will, in this instance, gives parents an opportunity to choose and name the caregivers to raise their children in their absences.

“We spend a lifetime accumulating wealth, and we want to know our hard earned wealth is inherited by the right people or charities that respect and appreciate our gifts. You may not want your assets to end up in the hands of your child’s creditors, or his or her ex spouse.”

— Andrew Gracy

Another important factor in considering a will is in the case of a disabled or dependent adult child. A sizable sum from your estate might render them ineligible for public assistance. In this situation it is typical to create a trust within the will, which will allow you more control over your assets. This is called a testamentary trust.  With a testamentary trust, you can control the purse strings from beyond the grave. 

For example, if you have a beneficiary who has multiple creditors, you may want to provide support for that beneficiary but not allow the inheritance to end up with their creditor. You can restrict the use of the funds for very specific purposes such as educational expenses, healthcare needs or support for your loved one. 

With a will you also have the opportunity to decide who is in charge of your affairs after you pass, otherwise known as your personal representative (or executor).  The personal representative is the person in charge of gathering your assets, making sure your creditors are properly paid, and ultimately distributing your assets to the people or charities you choose. 

If you don’t have a will

If you die without a will, your property will be distributed to your heirs, much like a family tree, in accordance with the Florida law. A common misconception is that your assets will end up with the state of Florida. This is simply not true. In order for your assets to end up with the state of Florida, you must have no living relatives of any degree. This is a very rare situation, and can be avoided by drafting a will.

Another common misconception is that a will reduces the cost of probate. Again, not true. Probate is the court oversight of the transfer of assets whether or not you have a will. Assets titled in the decedents name only must pass through probate in order to be legally transferred to the beneficiary. By drafting a will, you have control over the transfer of your wealth to the next generation. 

Reasons a will may not be necessary

A will is not always needed. Without a will, when you die, your property is given to your heirs at law, as the laws of Florida provides. Examples of your property include your savings, checking accounts, stocks and bonds, house, jewelry, boats and cars, including that wad of cash stuffed in your underwear drawer. Florida calls this “intestate succession”. What that really means is, if you have no spouse, and four kids, your kids will divide your estate equally between themselves. If any of your children predecease you, their children will step into their parents place and divide that share among themselves. Your estate will always stay with your blood line. 

Whether you need a will or not depends on many different factors. As our families change and grow, the necessities of a will can become more apparent. Make sure you consult with a professional to know what will happen when your number comes up. Giving direction to your family can make a complicated matter much easier to handle. 

— Andrew Gracy

Do Something

You decide what will happen upon your death, not a judge who doesn’t know you or your family. You write your will, not the state. If you’re nearby, contact Andrew’s firm and let him help you. Click here or on photo below to reach them. I’m a fan. If not them, find an attorney near you. Save up and spend the money. You’ll feel better when you do. When I walked out with an updated will in hand, I felt surprisingly relieved. I had everything spelled out for my family so they won’t have to guess my desires. If you can’t afford it right now, write a letter with your intentions and have it notarized. It’s better than nothing. You 30 year-olds, I’m looking at you. Don’t put this off. You too, you 40 year-olds. Especially you, 50s and up.

Final Words

As someone who sits often with families in the emotional pain of the death of a loved one, the idea of making a will is more than a legal issue for me. This is a matter of caring for your loved ones. This is about making sure you act in advance so your family will not have to act in a terrible moment of their life. Love them enough to make a will!

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Don't Apologize for Offering “Thoughts and Prayers”

You have probably seen it on Facebook. You might have thought it or said it yourself.  People are ripping on those who say after a shooting or other crisis, “My thoughts and prayers are with you.”

In May 2018, AJ Willingham with CNN wrote an article titled, “How ‘thoughts and prayers’ went from common condolence to cynical meme.” The article began by asserting that the phrase “thoughts and prayers” has become so repeated it has lost its meaning.  Willingham wrote that people are cynical about the phrase because “no one is doing much else besides offering thoughts and prayers.”

The Source of the Criticism

The source of the criticism is inaction. The critics are bothered by those who say, “Boston Strong,” “Pray for Paris,” or most recently with hurricane Michael that just went west of where I live, “Florida Strong,” and then take no meaningful action to relieve suffering or prevent future occurrences when possible. “You are in my thoughts and prayers” is now heard by many as a quick way of dealing with the shock and then moving on without doing anything.

R. Albert Mohler, Jr, wrote in a November 2017 article in The Washington Post, “What does it mean when a political leader says that the nation’s ‘thoughts and prayers’ are with those who are in sorrow and grief? It could mean nothing. Or even worse than nothing, the words could be evasive and misleading, covering political irresponsibility or conveying no more than empty sentiment.“ That is the problem. People’s lives are turned on end, a murderous rampage has occurred, or a natural disaster has struck, and the great masses respond with “empty sentiment.”

In his 2015 Netflix special, comedian Anthony Jeselnik makes fun of people who run post on social media words like, "my thoughts and prayers are with the people of Boston" on the day of the bombing. To the cheers of his crowd, Jeselnik says, “Do you know what that is worth? F***ing nothing....Less than nothing.” Dripping with cynicism, he says that response is not about giving time, money, or compassion. It is a way for those people to garner attention in the face of a tragedy. “Those people are worthless and deserve to be made fun of,” he says. And his crowd loved it.

I didn’t.

Do Something

Most critics are not diminishing thinking and praying. They are saying it is not good if those words mean nothing. They are saying it is not good when there is inaction, “empty sentiment,” and it becomes more about the person saying the “thoughts and prayers” than the victims. They are saying we can and should respond with more action to help suffering people or with social issues of the day. 

This is taught in the Bible. When someone is in need, don’t give them verbal platitudes. “If one of you says to them, ‘Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it?” (James 2:15-16). Answer: it’s no good. At least for the Christians, ours in an activist faith.

So, do something. It’s a point well taken. You decide what action to take, but do something.

No Shaming Here

Having said that, don’t apologize for expressing your condolences. Resist that temptation. Express your condolences unapologetically. If critics really mean “do something,” then the burden is on them to say that without trying to shame people for expressing heartfelt condolences. If critics really mean “do the thing I want you to do and nothing else,” then the burden is on them to be clear about that. Anything less comes across as judging feelings, which then comes across as being a jerk.

Don’t back down here. There is no shaming here. If your thoughts and prayers are real, there is nothing wrong with expressing them. Don’t let anyone try to shame you into silence for saying so. Besides, thoughts and prayers are a form of action. I have a high view of the power of thoughts as well as what God has done, can do, and will do as a result of prayer. Thoughts and prayers matter.

Thoughts Matter

I love the saying, “No problem can withstand the sustained assault of constant thinking.” It’s been a helpful saying for me many times. The reality is what we think about, we bring about.  If we think about relieving suffering, we work toward it. If we are thinking about righting a social wrong, we work toward it.

Actually thinking about a person or a situation and letting them know that is letting them know they matter.  It is letting them know that of all of the options for brain space, their situation, their crisis, matters so much that you are turning over in your mind thoughts of how to help. 

Prayers Matter

Prayer comes out of a relationship with God. Prayer is personal communication with God. For those who believe in God, that is staggering to consider. We humans get to talk openly to the One we believe is the primordial mover and shaker of the universe.  This God asks us to pray, hears us when we pray, and responds to our prayers.  In prayer, we bare our souls to God — we thank God for good parts of life, seek forgiveness for where we have failed, and ask for help for ourselves and for others.

When you pray for another person, you are affecting the situation or the people or both. There is a woman at my church who asks me almost every week, “Pastor, how can I pray for you?” And I know she prays because she asks me about things afterward. When I tell her about what God does she often says, “Look at that…another prayer answered by God.” She knows prayer made a difference.

It is true that many prayers are unanswered for the moment. Other prayers are answered clearly with a “no.” But there are also countless prayers answered with modern-day miracles. People of faith know the source of the miracle. God is at work in this world.

So if you are actually praying, you are doing a powerful work. Your prayers matter.

Let them Know

If you can work to relieve human suffering or affect social change, go for it. But whether or not you do that, when some tragedy or crisis happens and your thoughts and prayers are focused on the people and situation, put it out there. Post it. Speak it. Let others know. It is an important and beautiful act of kindness that is at the same time powerful and effective.

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Tattoos and the Stories of the Soul

I’m writing this in Starbucks, I just finished a book on tattoos, and I’m fighting back tears.

Something about this topic fills me with regret and sadness mixed with inspiration. This is not about my lack of tattoos. I’m good with that. This is about a cultural shift about which I have given little thought. I suspect I am not alone. “More than 40% of Americans are writing on themselves,” my new friend Al Dayhoff wrote in his book on tattoos. Forty percent! And I’ve not been paying attention. It’s not that I haven’t seen it. Tattoos are everywhere. But I’ve missed the importance of it. That’s the regret. Now I am hearing the stories. Oh, the stories. Some are heart-wrenching. Some are agonizing. Death stories are memorialized in tattoo. Broken childhoods, addictions, inner demons…all in tattoos. That is the sadness. I hurt hearing these stories. And then there are the stories of the indomitable human spirit. Resiliency, recovery, and redemption. Hope, healing, and happiness. Tragedy followed by triumph. Violence followed by victory. All inked on skin. These stories are incredible and inspiring.

Why tattoos are so prevalent

It used to be that tattoos were for gangsters, thugs, and sailors. Now they are everywhere. It used to be just having a tattoo was extreme, but the rise in number of full body tattoos and body alterations like bone implants — the scary stuff — is a sign of the mainstreaming of tattoos since it takes more to be extreme.

There is no single reason explaining the rise in the number of tattoos just like there is no single type of tattoo. Some tattoos are meaningless or silly. Some are failures and sadly hilarious (just Google tattoo fails). Some tattoos are acquired during a night of heavy drinking. Some are declarations of identity. Some are fashion statements. Some, as Inked magazine has written, are done “to express creativity and to spread a message.” Some are about rising above a struggle. And some are about the struggle itself.

Pain written on skin

My friend Mike was part of a small group that travelled to the international motorcycle show in Sturgis, South Dakota this summer to talk to people about tattoos. My good looking, tall, white, middle-aged, buttoned down, Ford Taurus driving, and most definitely non-tattooed friend went to talk to half a million biker enthusiasts about tattoos. You would think he would be the one judged and no one would talk. It was quite the opposite. He learned a lot and, as he told me, he heard about so much pain.

“This one is for my grandson who committed suicide,” said one woman explaining a tattoo. “These tattoos are after becoming a Christian, and these,” said one man pointing to dark and angry tattoos, “are before.” Al Dayhoff writes story after story of broken hearts after the death of a child or parent and the tattoos to commemorate them. Other tattoo stories are told by survivors of physical or sexual abuse and the innocence lost and fears endured. They are stories of stolen childhoods. One man covered with motorcycle and skull tattoos with explosions and body parts flying around said when asked what his tattoos mean, “This is the most f**ked up place: babies die, families can’t earn money to be together, disease killed my old man, and my mom is a crazy lady with dementia.” That is pain.

Regarding hearing the stories of tattoos, Mike said it well, “For a few minutes, we were privileged to enter into their wounds.” In the silence of listening, with tears in the eyes, he was given the privilege to enter the deepest and darkest moments of another life.

Inspiration written on skin

Not all tattoos originate in pain. Some are a public declaration of some good reality. As young adults, my daughters all decided to get an identical tattoo as a show of sister solidarity.

Many men and women have the names or images of their children inked on their skin. Some tattoo the passion of their life such as hobbies, sports, or organizations. Some get crosses, angels, or clouds to symbolize their strong faith in God. One woman had a tattoo for her brother who was in the military and it was her ink-on-skin prayer for his safe return. On her left arm was a full sleeve tattoos of flowers you find in Italy. “I want these to be part of my wedding one day.” In almost any way any human has been inspired, a tattoo can be found.

Sin and tattoos

With the rising interest in tattoos, Christians rightfully ask what the Bible teaches about tattoos. There is, after all, a passage in the Old Testament (Leviticus 19:28) that seems to forbid tattoos. Yet even conservative scholar Dr. R. Laird Harris wrote of that passage: “There was nothing morally wrong with cutting the hair or the beard or with tattooing. But these practices then, and also now in some places, were parts of heathen ritual.” Regarding what the Bible says about tattoos, Liberty University’s Dr. Will Honeycutt wrote, “The short answer is…nothing. At least nothing definitive. The Bible makes no specific reference to tattoos as we understand them in modern times.” No specific reference. Nothing morally wrong. Caution to the believer about associating with non-Christian practices. That is hardly the resounding, “Don’t ever get a tattoo” of generations of mothers. Those who do condemn tattoos do so with New Testament silence on the subject. They connect tattoos indirectly with other passages to derive the condemnation. I do not share that with them. I do not see a biblical mandate against them.

The practical reality

Even if every Christian did believe tattoos were sinful, to dwell on that and ignore both the reality of and reasons for tattoos is to disconnect from the world as it is. The practical reality is tattoos are pervasive. How we respond matters, especially if we are troubled by it. When a person shows a tattoo memorializing a stillborn child and the first instinct is to judge that person for even having a tattoo, something is wrong. We miss the chance to enter their life in a deep place. Condemn or judge them and you will not be allowed into that story. We miss not only the opportunity to listen and care, but also a chance to express our shared humanity since each of us in our own way is scarred.

“Could it be the image of God has gotten so desperate to talk, it is writing on its wrapper? Has the western church missed this?”

— Al Dayhoff

The image of God desperate to talk

Tattoos really aren’t about tattoos. There is another, deeper impulse driving the trend for more tattoos. As Al Dayhoff asks, “Could it be the image of God has gotten so desperate to talk, it is writing on its wrapper? Has the western church missed this?” Yes it has and yes the church has largely missed this. Image bearers of God want to tell their stores. They want to be heard, listened to, and valued.

The reality of tattoos presents a choice to us of how to respond. Shall we be like people who picket strip clubs with signs declaring sinfulness of all who enter or, as some women at our church do, shall we enter into the clubs, talk with the staff and meet the girls with a friendly smile, generous gifts, and no judgement? Some prefer the former approach with tattoos. I prefer the latter. The relational approach feels more like Jesus. It feels more like love.

Listen well

Will I ever get a tattoo? Probably not. Skin is not the canvas for the stories of my soul. But what I have already begun doing is asking about tattoos and listening to others’ stories. In doing so I too have been welcomed into the deepest and sometimes darkest moments of another person’s life.

Join me. Start listening to the stories of the soul written on the skin of people all around you. Ask about them. And then listen well.

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Why you should have a written personal code of conduct

When I was 30 years old and working for AT&T, a group of guys and I formed a group we called Personal Board of Directors. We helped each other set and reach goals in 12 areas of life including faith, family, health, and career. We helped each other prioritize life’s activities and create a standard by which we lived our lives. I should have seen a move to pastoral ministry coming back then, but at the time it just felt like trying to do the right thing in life and focus on rightly ordered priorities. Those priorities led to living according to standards.

Companies write codes of conduct all the time. What I have done for years is write one for myself. Simply writing words on paper is no guarantee you will behave or live according to the code. Over the years, however, I have found it helps, especially for people of faith seeking to live the high ethical standard Jesus set. Take the time. Find a place to think, carve out a half a day, and work on it.

Reasons to have a written code of conduct

It holds you accountable to a standard. If you say you are striving to be a person of integrity and you are not, having a code of conduct gives trusted people who care about you permission to ask, “How is this behavior consistent with your code?” Knowing that such a conversation is possible is good for a person.

It builds trust in the people around you. When people know you are striving to be beyond reproach sexually, or a person who looks after the vulnerable people of society, or other standards, they know you are more likely to keep those standards. Writing them down and sharing them strengthens the resolve to keep them. This then builds confidence and trust in you.

It helps you live more fully and freely. Standards create boundaries and boundaries create freedom. Children on a playground without a fence surrounding the playground area tend to hover close to the playground equipment. Children on a playground with a fence around it run freely up to the edge of the fence. Clear boundaries allow people to live more fully and freely.

It helps you live the life you want to live. The code of conduct reduces to words the best of who you are and hope to be. When you live out the best of who you are over the course of months, years, and decades, this then shapes your legacy.

How to write a code of conduct

Take inventory of your life. Answer some questions. Who am I? What are formative or important events of my life and what do they mean to me? What is important to me and why? Ask a friend to help. Think about your character traits, personality type, successes and failures. Takes notes as you do and review your notes.

Write down things you believe. What are your core beliefs? What makes your life meaningful? Think about big themes like integrity, fairness, fidelity, respect. Think about the Golden Rule. Think about areas of belief such as faith, family, health, and career.

Write a draft of your code of conduct. Here, you put it all together. Write in complete, short sentences with specific statements, such as, “I will be committed to lifelong learning and growing.” Make sure you have two parts. The first part explains the purpose of the code and the second part lists the points of the code.

Review your draft. Look it over for content and clarity. Have a trusted friend or friends review it.

Sign, date, and put it in a prominent place. Signing and dating it deepens the sense of commitment. Once i sign it, I keep mine at the church. I have a shorter set of standards under glass next to my computer and look at it all the time.

Write your code and then review and update it regularly. Things change. New challenges need to be addressed. I review and update mine no less than annually. After that, it is time to live your code. The point is for this to be a living document. Part of the reason I review mine annually with the elders, regularly with new employees, and occasionally with staff is to keep it top of mind.

Sample language

The following are pieces from different codes of conduct just to get the mind thinking about language and styles of writing.

A sample preamble. “I desire to be a person of good character. I strive to live with integrity in all areas of life and do not hold to the unrealistic standard of perfection. I do this because it’s who I want to be and because I hope to be a positive example for others. With that, I commit to the following code of conduct.”

On excellence. “I will always strive to be excellent at everything I do. I will not settle for anything less than the best, and will do everything I can to achieve the best results in my career.”

On work. “I will under-promise and over-deliver.”

On integrity. I will keep my promises and honor my commitments at home and work.

On honesty. “I will never cheat or break any rules which might result in me or someone else getting hurt.”

On physical self-care. I will take care of my body. This includes ample exercise and rest, proper nutrition, and annual examinations by a doctor.

On family. “I recognize that the family is still the basic level of government in this society and promise to pray for, encourage, challenge, be present to, and support my family and extended family.”

On humbleness. “I will not let any accolades or praise affect my attitude, and will always be respectful and polite to my peers, superiors and juniors. I will make sure to never hurt or mock anyone intentionally.”

A sample close. “If any of the above points of code are missing, neglected, or abused to such an extent that my character or integrity is undermined or damaged, I will deal with the issue through study, talking with a friend, honest confession, entering into a coaching or counseling relationship, or other appropriate means.”

All of the above are written to get you started. Use your creativity and write what is authentic to you. Write it and then live out your personal code of conduct.

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A message to men in a #metoo world

In the wake of the tidal wave of men losing their jobs in Hollywood, the government, and the media, men are rightfully paying attention. Finally. As a father of three girls who spent years keeping boys away from my daughters, this subject is near and dear to me.

We live in an highly-sexualized society on the part of both men and women, but this message is for the boys.  We need a change of thinking. Regarding how we think about and behave with women, many of us need to be told “cut it out.” I’ll explain, but first I want to affirm something good: the pursuit of a person of interest.

Pursue her

If you are interested in the woman, go for it. No one is saying to stay away from someone you are drawn to and find interesting and fun. Romantic love is still a beautiful thing. I don’t hear heterosexual women saying they do not want men or don’t want them to show their interest. I hear interest in meeting and entering a relationship with a man. If you are interested in her, let her know. If she is interested, good for both of you! If that turns into a lifetime partner, even better. 

But if she is not interested, stop pursuing her

This is where many men get it wrong. Base instincts kick in and rational behavior disappears. There is no excuse for unwanted advances on a woman. None. If she is not interested, stop pursuing her. That’s it. Just…stop.

Stop pursuing her when you hear her say “no” to you. Let me be specific about that.

• “No” means no.

• “No thanks” means no.

• “I’m not interested” means no.

• “I don’t feel like it” means no.

• “Not now” means no.

• “We’ve been drinking” means no.

• “I’d rather be alone” means no.

• “Don’t touch me” means no.

• “%$@# off” means no.

• “I changed my mind” means no.

• “Let’s just go to sleep” means no.

• “I’m not sure” means no.

• Silence means no.

• If you are uncertain, assume it is no.

If you are still unsure, especially when it comes to sex, watch this: Consent: It’s as simple as tea.

If she is not interested and you continue pursuing her, It becomes criminal

If she is not interested and you continue calling, showing up, or tracking her, you are a stalker. Stalking is bad. Stalking is a series of actions that make her feel afraid or in danger. Stalking is serious. Stalking escalates over time. Stalking is a crime. Stalking does not get you the girl.

According to the National Center for Victims of Crime, you are a stalker if you do some or all of the following:

• Repeatedly call her, including hang-ups.

• Follow her and show up wherever she is.

• Send unwanted gifts, letters, texts, or e-mails.

• Damage her home, car, or other property.

• Monitor her phone calls or computer use.

• Use technology, like hidden cameras or global positioning systems (GPS), to track where she goes.

• Drive by or hang out at her home, school, or work.

• Threaten to hurt her, her family, friends, or pets.

• Find out about her by using public records or on-line search services, hiring investigators, going through her garbage, or contacting friends, family, neighbors, or co-workers.

• Other actions that control, track, or frighten her.

If she is not interested and you continue pursuing her and then force yourself on her sexually, you are a rapist. In case that is not clear, rape is a when one person forces, coerces, or manipulates another person to have sex. In other words, you have sex with her against her will. With attempted rape the same issue applies: she doesn’t want it. Don’t miss that. She doesn’t want it. No means no. See above for what that means. Rape is a crime. Rape destroys women’s lives. Rapists go to prison. And if it weren’t unbelievably obvious, rape does not get you the girl.

A word to Christian men

If you call yourself a Christ follower, there is another dimension to this. All of the above applies to you and you also have a higher calling in male-female relationships. You are to recognize the intrinsic value in every person and honor those who by God’s providence and grace were created female.

The problem is Christian men often don’t. Single Christian women are on to you. “The men I meet who say they are Christian are like any other man; they want to know what effort they need to go to in order to get me to bed.” Men, is that the best we can do?

So consider these things as you consider male-female relationships as a Christian man.

• God expects self-control. Yes, you have urges. You were created as a sexual being, but self-control applies to this area of life just like it applies to learning to play a sport or become a musician. The Bible lists self-control as a “fruit” of the Holy Spirit.

• God expects you to honor women. This means no objectifying, patronizing, minimizing, or sexualizing. This means you think about and see women as independent daughters of God whose primary purpose is not for your benefit or pleasure. This means that hatred of, contempt for, or prejudice against women or girls — misogyny — has no place for you as a Christian man.

• God gave us sexual expression for marriage. I know. That’s not popular. This needs a lot of nuancing to unpack concepts like fears about commitment, what it means to be a man, the influence of the sexual revolution, forgiveness, the calling of some to singleness, balancing truth and grace, lingering puritanical sexual ethics, the definition and meaning of marriage, biblical worldview, the authority of Scripture, and what to do with Biblical examples of sexual expression apart from marriage. At the end of those discussions will be a high vision of the sacredness of marriage and how an individual’s passions are to be lived out in this gift of God called marriage.

• God will not give you someone else’s wife. Some will say, “God brought us together.” No, God didn’t. That was you. You did that yourselves. Others object, “But she no longer loves her husband.” Ok. She’s still his wife.

• God will not tell a married man it is ok to be in a sexual relationship with a woman who is not his wife. That is called adultery. God is unequivocal and unflinching about that. If the other woman is married too, refer to the previous point.

• God expects you to set the example for others. Man up here. Be the example for your children, other men, friends, co-workers, fellow students, and perfect strangers. Let them see a man of good character. Let them see a man of God.

Maybe one outcome of the #metoo era will be a re-grounding of the men. Maybe in the future our sisters and daughters can have a different world of men surrounding them. It starts with you and me, men. Let's get this right.

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What to do about the stressful, overbooked life you are living

In his book, The Divine Conspiracy, Dallas Willard tells of a pilot who was practicing high-speed maneuvers in a jet fighter. She turned the controls for what she thought was a steep ascent — and flew straight into the ground. She was unaware that she had been flying upside down.

Willard describes this as “a parable of human existence in our times — not exactly that everyone is crashing, though there is enough of that — but most of us as individuals, and world society as a whole, live at high-speed, and often with no clue as to whether we are flying upside down or right-side up. Indeed, we are haunted by a strong suspicion that there may be no difference — or at least that it is unknown or irrelevant.”

Look around. You see that high-speed living. Maybe you’re living it. On top of that, even though overbooked and highly stressed, we have a sense that the world around us is accelerating even faster and is passing by us. All of this is completely disorienting. It is no wonder that some, thinking they are taking actions to ascend to a greater perspective on all things, crash straight into the ground.

What does it take to set things right? Doing nothing does not solve it. Something must change.

Slow down

It begins here. There is no other way to say it. Choose to put less into a week. If you want perspective, you have to step back. If you want to less stress, slow down.

We need to add margin into our life.

Space.

Room to breathe.

Rest.

A friend of mine listened to me describe how I had gone for a month without a day off and how that was not unusual. He said to me simply and bluntly, “Whose fault is that?” It was mine. I could control it. That discussion sent me into a search for the meaning of Sabbath rest. Sabbath keeping. It is the one command of God we not only break consistently, but also rather proudly. “Look how busy I am!” (Subtext: I must be important.) Is there an emoji here for God doing a face palm?

Slow down. The sheer pace of life is disorienting.

Learn to savor

At a pastors’ retreat a few years ago, the leader had us do an exercise during a meal. She had us eat slowly and notice the tastes as we ate. She had us savor. Seasonings, textures, smell. Savoring is a form of mindfulness and is on the rise. People long for this. Why is that? We’ve lost it.

Savoring is about focusing on the details. It is about noticing the beauty of the sunset, the smile of a friend, and, to be proverbial, the smell of the flowers. Savoring and mindfulness is about the senses — the warm breeze, the sound of children’s laughter, the feel of linen paper. It is about noticing what is good, positive, and enjoyable. It is about being thankful for all things big and small. It takes slowing down and it takes intentional effort to pay attention. To notice. To be mindful.

Slow down. Learn to savor. Notice the details — the beauty. textures, and what is good.

Make room for the sacred

Rudolph Otto, in his book The Idea of the Holy, writes about a predisposition towards religious experience that has always been a characteristic not just of some individuals, but of the whole human species. One of my professors in seminary observed, “there has yet to be a civilization that does not have spiritual experiences or a story of god.” Even the most staunch atheist has to come to terms with the mystery of love, the awe of childbirth, or surprising acts of courage, grace, or goodness. It can’t all be reduced body chemistry. All of this is the sacred.

We live in a world in which we think less and less about the sacred. We talk less and less about spiritual thoughts and experiences. And yet those thoughts and experiences are real.

As a Christian, I believe the God of the Universe has made very specific all of the general observations of Rudolph Otto about religion and religious experience. God has come to us in a personal way. God has done something for humanity in Jesus Christ. But like general thoughts of mystery, transcendence, and religious experience, it is getting less and less expression in our culture.

When we slow down and savor, this is exactly the time to ponder and express these thoughts of the sacred. When we do this, there is gain. When we give this room to unfold, we will find our souls opening up to a fuller life and deeper meaning. Love gets connected to eternal realities. Rituals and transitions in life take on higher meaning. Every meal with family or friends becomes sacramental. Joy, caring for others, serving our communities, and intellectual pursuit all become a life-giving acts of a present God.

But to get all of that, we must make room for it. We must open ourselves up to God.

Make a shift

All of this is to say, if you want to get different results, you have to do different things. If you want to avoid crashing as you try to ascend, make a shift in your behavior. If you want something other than the high-speed, over-booked, stressful life, do something other than high-speed, overbooked, stressful living.

Slow down, learn to savor, and make room for the sacred.

Try it.

You might just find rest for your weary soul.

What to say and not to say to those who grieve

A few years after my grandfather died, I sat with my grandmother playing the crossword puzzle as we did most days. Something in the moment took her thoughts back to her husband. She told me what was on her mind, “You know, I can’t tell you a word of what people said when Howard died, but I can still look around the room in my mind and tell you everyone who was there.” In her time of grief, what mattered most was that she had people there to support her.

Grief is a journey. It is a unique journey for each person. Circumstances may be similar to another person’s grief, but no two people grieve the same way. Some are able to get a sense of routine in life back within weeks. Others take years. No one ever “gets over” the death. We learn to live with it.

As a pastor, one of the questions I hear often is, “What do I say to someone who is grieving?” While people like my grandmother may not remember the words said — she was in shock during the dying, death, burial, and immediate aftermath — others will tell of hurtful words or at least words that were not helpful. With that, I offer these suggestions for what to say or what not to say to those who grieve. This is what I’ve found useful over the years.

10 things to say to those who grieve

1. Nothing. Say nothing, but be there. Don’t worry about the “right” words. Just show up. It matters.

2. “I’m so sorry for your loss.” It is true, so tell them. It lets them know of your sympathy.

3. “I can’t imagine how you are feeling.” This validates the pain the person is feeling.

4. “I want you to know I am staying right here by your side.” And then do it.

5. “I will pray for you.” But only if you will actually pray.

6. “I will always remember this about him _______.” Many who grieve are frustrated no one wants to talk about the one who died.

7. “Do you want to talk about it?” This gives them permission not to talk and at the same time a safe place to talk if they want to.

8. “What are you thinking about through all of this?” This gives them permission to talk about anything. Just listen.

9. “I’m bringing over a lasagna.” Or some variation of helping - mow the grass, pick up kids, clean the house, etc. Get practical.

10. “I love you.” Three powerful words.

10 things NOT to say to those who grieve

1. “He is in a better place.” It may be true, but all the person who grieves wants is for the person to be alive and with them. There is an opposite of this that is terrible to say: “He is in hell.” Yes, some have said that during a person’s worst moment of grief. Even if you believe that is so, don’t be a jerk. Keep it to yourself.

2. “She brought this on herself.” Again, in some cases it is true, but this isn’t the time to cast blame.

3. “At least he lived a long life. So many people die young.” I’ve sat with too many adult children as an elderly parent dies. It hurts no matter what age.

4. “You can still have another child.” Just…no. Don’t say it.

5. “God must have wanted another angel in heaven.” Besides trivializing, cliché, and bad theology, this blames God.

6. “I know how you feel. When I went through this…” It’s not about you. Don’t make it so.

7. “Be strong.” If the person is feeling weak, telling them to stop it doesn’t help. Basically, this is saying “stop hurting.”

8. “Call if you need anything.” Just do what is needed. Don’t put the responsibility on the bereaved.

9. “Everything will be okay.” That may be, but in the moment it is NOT “okay” and saying it diminishes those present feelings.

10. “You’ll feel better if you get rid of her things.” It is up to them when to do this. Some may need to have the things of their loved one around throughout the grieving journey.

The best responses are those that focus on feelings, don’t try to “fix” everything, and are in no hurry. The worst responses don’t validate the deep sense of loss, push too hard for action, and try to hurry grief along.

Three Ways to Communicate Unconditional Love to Your Children

“Do your parents love you unconditionally?” That was the question asked of a group of teenagers in the video from a class I was leading. We had just watched footage of the parents of these teenagers. The question for the parents was “do you love your children unconditionally?” These were Christian parents raising their children in the faith and seeking to emulate the unconditional love of God. One by one, each with their own explanations of why, the parents all answered yes. Now, the video shifted to the children of these parents who all just said they love their children unconditionally. “Do your parents love you unconditionally?” One by one, each with their own explanations of why, the children of those parents all said no.  The teenagers all thought there were conditions on the love from their parents.

I still remember how jarring it was to me to watch that video. I was just like those parents. I loved my children unconditionally and felt it in my core. I couldn’t imagine a situation where my children would get on camera and say that somehow there were conditions to them being loved like getting good grades, being “good,” or obeying home rules.  That jarring reality made the simple teaching something that still affects my parenting. If you want to communicate unconditional love to your children, the video leader said, do three things. 

Look them in the eyes

Our children want us to see them. Really see them. The eyes are the window of the soul. Meaning and motive are both read through the eyes. When our children see us looking at them they are validated. We are signaling to them that they matter enough for us to take our eyes off of whatever other important things we grown ups look at — our work, our phones, television, house work — and see them.  

Looking them in the eyes can be done at any distance. We can look them in the eye right next to us, across the room, or across the stands for a band concert or the field for a sporting event. When we smile, nod, or some other way acknowledge that you see them from near or far they feel that validation and love. 

Give them positive physical touch

Positive physical touch is easiest when they are young and behaving. When they are young, they crave positive physical touch to give them a sense of security. When parents hug, kiss, or hold hands when children are in the stage of exploring new places and boundaries it communicates  they are supported and loved. It is also easier to feel loving toward a child when the child is behaving and not being a little terror to you or the rest of the family. 

Give them positive physical touch when they are young and behaving, but remember it matters just as much when they are older and when they are not behaving. As children get older they become more aware of the opposite type of touch. Negative, unsafe, physical touch. They become aware of their peers who will hit, bite, push, or pull others. They become aware of bullying. At some point, they become aware of physical and sexual abuse around them. They need to know they are safe. When parents provide positive physical touch, it sends a message. The message is their parents love them unconditionally.  With older kids, it may not be a hug or kiss — not many teenagers want that outside the locker room or when picking them up from school — but rather a pat on the back along with the “well done” or “hey, buddy.” 

Give them focused attention

This was the one that got me. I’m an active person, constantly doing things at work and home. I seldom stop, don’t take naps, and enjoy projects. Children want us to stop and give them the gift of our focused attention. That is hard to do, especially when what we are working on is important to us. But our children are only young once. That is our time we have with them. Put down the tools, put down the phone, put down the book. Look your child in the eye. High-five or hug or kiss them. And then spend time with them with focused attention while you still have them with you. In the blink of an eye, they will be on their way to college or a career, starting a family of their own, and building their life.  While you have them, give them you. Give them your focused attention. 

Parents of adult children, all of this applies to you too. It’s different when they are adults, but the principles are the same. Look them in the eye, give them positive physical touch, and give them your full and undivided attention. 

Do you love your children unconditionally? Do you want them to know you do? Do you want them to know about the unconditional love of God through your example?  If so, you can start with three things; look them in the eye, give them positive physical touch, and give them your focused attention. 

See the World Differently

I hung my winter coat on a rack at a church I was visiting, came back to the coat rack two hours later, and put on my coat. Walking to my car, I put my hands in my pocket. There was a bag of trail mix in my pocket that wasn’t there before.  Someone must have put their trail mix in my coat by accident. I went back to the coat rack and, sure enough, right next to where I hung my coat was an identical coat. That’s it. They put it in the wrong coat. It never occurred to me the coat I put on was not mine. I put the trail mix in the other coat, left for the airport, and flew home. It wasn’t until I put the coat on again after we landed that I realized the coat didn’t quite fit the same. The sleeves were too long. It wasn’t my coat. The whole time I had the on wrong coat and I put the trail mix into my coat. Some poor guy wondered how his coat sleeves were suddenly too short. 

That story has always been an example to me of how my mind works. I see things differently. I respond differently. 

At first, being different is unsettling. When ten people around you react identically to a speaker’s question, a headline, a movie, or any shared experience and their reaction didn’t even cross your mind, it’s unsettling at first. But no more. It is part of who I am. It’s how I am wired. It allows me to see things others miss or overlook, even though at times I end up wearing someone else's coat.  

I am on a mission now to help people see the world differently.  We need this now more than ever.  We live in a world of dizzying transformations happening all around us in almost every area of life — business, technology, globalization, education, climate, politics, ethics, and community. This stresses out some people and causes fear in others. But not for me. I am more hopeful. More optimistic. Recent books from Thomas Friedman, Jon Meacham and Daniel Walker Howe have reminded me we’ve been here before and that we have and will get through it. As Abraham Lincoln once said, “the better angels of our nature” will prevail. More importantly, my faith informs me that in the face of uncertainty in life, we have reasons for hope. We have action we can take. We can do something.  We can open our minds, open our eyes, and talk with people who help us see the world differently. It may not seem like it to some, but different is good. 

Open your mind

One of the most troubling parts of the recent political landscape has been the systematic closing of the minds. Not long ago, many not only resisted President Obama’s politics, but then refused to acknowledge anything good about the man or his work. Now, many resist President Trump’s politics and refuse to acknowledge anything good about the man or his work. “But there is nothing good about him,” many said or say of the president. That’s just not true. Nothing good? Zero redeeming qualities? Zero positive impact? If you just ramped up in your mind a hundred ways to refute what you just read, you can be right all day long and still have done nothing to resolve the larger problem. The collective impact of that mindset is our current condition as a people. Divisions. Anger. Mistrust. We are better than the deep divisions. We are better than the my-way-or-the-highway thinking. The soul of America is better than that. The funeral speakers on Saturday of the late Senator John McCain reminded all of us of this truth. 

If we are to get past this, it must mean building bridges between people to replace the barriers. And that begins by opening up to others, which starts inside us. It begins with an open mind toward others. When you have an open mind, you might learn something from them. You might see the world from a new perspective that is helpful. You might make a surprising friend. You might find out you were wrong about something and that you are respected and loved even so. You might learn that different is good. 

Open your eyes

It’s not just about being open to others, it is also how we see them. Every group or society has “those” people. The ones to be avoided. The ones who are bad. Immoral. Outsiders. Different. Those who don’t act, talk, or think like the others. 

Have you ever noticed Jesus seemed to gravitate towards those very people? It was like a magnetic pull. The half-breed outsider Samaritans. The unclean lepers. The greedy tax collector. The low social status fishermen. Straight to them all. He didn’t see them with disdain. He saw them with care and compassion. He saw in them a person with intrinsic value. 

We label people to remind us who we are not or who to avoid. Black, white. Rich, poor. Liberal, conservative. Gay, straight. Smart, dumb. Jesus removed the many labels and replaced them with one: LOVED BY GOD.  What if you did that? What if we all did that? What if that is what we saw first? Imagine the world we would have.  

If we saw people instead of labels, we would face an uncomfortable truth. We would see that other person has value. We would see shared humanity. We would see that the labels themselves are of secondary importance at best. Let me put it this way: conservatives, you should know that progressives love their spouses, love their country, go to church, play Monopoly, and enjoy gardening. Progressives, you should know that conservatives work for a better future for their children, are generous givers, like sports, and write poetry. Last I checked, neither side have horns on their head and carry a pitchfork. Neither side cook and eat their children. 

People are basically looking for the same thing — love, friendship, meaningful work, and a way to be a part of something larger than themselves.  Yes, we disagree. And yes, many of those subjects are important. No question. We need vigorous debate and discussion to decide together a course of action. But when we do, we still value the other person. We still signify they matter. Even Jesus’ tough talk with some (“you brood of vipers” comes to mind) was not to demean, devalue, or diminish the person. It was to break through the hard shell of the person to get to their heart. He still loved the person. Dehumanizing and attacking the other person is too far. And yet it happens all the time. If we could see people first before any label, especially the label of “enemy,” we might just find that different is good. 

Spend time with people who are different

There is another way. Rather than react with anger or animosity toward those who are different, I have a better idea: get to know them. See them with open eyes and minds, and then connect with them personally. 

Jesus not only saw in people what others could or would not, a person who mattered, but he also spent time with them. He talked to the immoral woman at the well. He had dinner with the hated tax collector. He talked about faith with the invalid everyone else had written off as handicapped because of personal sin.

There is a great scene in the movie Remember the Titans in which 1970’s high school football players in a newly racially integrated high school were forced to get to know one another during football camp. They were forced to talk with players who were racially different. They had to get to know each other’s names, families, favorite music, and interests. The movie shows how the team did what few around were doing then: found common ground and from there learned to truly love one another. 

This is a good time to have a collective Remember the Titans approach to other people. It is a good time to get to know those who are different. It is time to connect human to human. Maybe our way forward out of this deep divisiveness, chronic anger, and barely concealed disdain is as easy as having a cup of coffee at Starbucks or a Coke at McDonalds. Maybe it is talking with people who are not like us to try to find points of connection. 

Is that too simplistic? Maybe. Maybe not. Have you tried it? I have. I’ve connected with people with whom I  still don’t agree on some key things, but I’ve made a few friends. Maybe you could too. And who knows, if we all did it, maybe we could change our world one cup of coffee at a time. 

Seven Choices To Keep Social Media Civil

Not long after the 2016 U.S. presidential election, I left social media. I could not longer take it. I could no longer watch people, especially Christians, in their freedom to express themselves, express rude, disrespectful, base, profane, judging, patronizing or bullying character. My hope was people would retract their claws, make peace with any offended, calm down, and think. For people of faith, my hope was they would trust God. Several months later, I came back on social media. I came back with principles — choices I would make — for using my social media. As it turned out, these choices were bigger than social media alone. They are and still are good for how I want to live my life. I call them “defining choices.” If we are friends on Facebook, you saw these over several weeks of posting. I repeat them here in summary and hope this helps you think through your own choices for social media and life. 

#1: choose what is fun, positive, and uplifting

In a world in which many are humorless, negative, and seem to take pleasure in tearing down others, I choose the opposite. I value the incredible freedom we have in our culture to choose what we will do in our public life. This is my choice. I choose fun and playfulness over drudgery or humorlessness. I choose being positive over negative, critical, jaded, or cynical. I choose to strive to inspire and build others up rather than insult, demean, or tear down others. Will I succeed perfectly in living out this or the other six defining choices? No, but I aspire to it and plan on having fun as I do so.

#2: choose to inspire faith, hope, and love

Those words “faith, hope and love” are not random words put together. They are from a great statement in the Bible about love as the greatest of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. All three are important in human life. 

Faith inspires us. Faith gets us through tough times. Fatih is “confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” as the writer of the book of Hebrews in the Bible put it. Faith is “a firm and certain knowledge of God’s benevolence toward us, founded upon the truth of the freely given promise in Christ, both revealed to our minds and sealed upon our hearts through the Holy Spirit” as theologian John Calvin put it. 

Hope is essential to life. With it we thrive, without it we despair. Hope is the deeper, cognitive, hard-wired reality that gives rise to determination to overcome adversity. Hope is expectation of a better future, whether present circumstances are good or bad. 

And love…nothing compares to love. In this list of three - faith, hope and love - love is named as the greatest. Love is eternal. Love matter most. To love and be loved affects and changes a person for the good. You know that is true by the brokenness that is found when a person does not give love or is not shown love. We crave love. There is something in us that desires to express love. It matters most in friendships, families, marriages and even at work, school or play.

I want my life and certainly my social media usage to help inspire others’ faith, hope and love. I want to inspire others to have confidence in what is hoped for and assurance about what is not seen. I choose that. I also choose to inspire the deeper realities of others to have expectation of a better future. I choose to inspire hope. And in a world of hatred and indifference, I especially choose to inspire love to be given and received. It is the greatest of all.

#3: choose to strengthen relationships between family and friends

You’ve seen the stories. You may be living the stories. Family members who can’t stand each other or are abusive or are in such dysfunction they can barely be in the same room. You’ve also seen the stories of broken friendships - the business partnership gone bad, the friend who betrayed confidence, or the friend who walked away for no good reason. 

In my life and in my use of social media, I want to make a difference in families and friendships within my reach because there is nothing like healthy, loving, supportive families and friends. So I won’t participate in things that undermine family or friendship relationships. I will promote, post, and like things that support, inspire, encourage, and challenge relationships to be stronger. In the end, the hope is for stronger relationships in marriages, between parents and children, between siblings, throughout extended families, and among friends of all sorts.

#4: choose that which unites over that which divides

Being critical, divisive, uncivil and uncompromising is a cancer that is killing us as a people. So is treating as enemies people who have different ideas, ideologies, theology, ethnicity, race, sexuality, politics and demographics. For that matter, so is the fear mongering, shaming, and name calling of people who have different conclusions about what is best (*cough….presidential election). We are not meant to be separated, segregated, or divided. We are not meant to be, well, like we are. We are not meant to choose sides, dig in, and disconnect.

To be sure, I have my own conclusions about what is best. I have my own views on all of those things listed above. I disagree with others on many issues and they with me. But I also value those who have ideas that are different than mine. I like and appreciate them even if after listening and talking we still disagree on some issues. 

So I choose that which unites over that which divides. I choose that in life generally and on social media specifically. I choose to learn from others and celebrate our freedom to have differences. I choose to try to understand and appreciate others even when we disagree, and then look for and concentrate on what we share in common. I choose to realize that if that other person with whom I disagree and I were together on an airplane about to crash, we wouldn’t give a rip about who we voted for in 2016 or the color of our skin or any of these other things. We would go to our death embracing each other. United, not divided. I choose to live that way now. 

This defining choice originally was going to be “I choose to avoid politics on my social media and not respond to it on others’ social media.” Previously, I had made the choice to be apolitical on my social media, but was going to be explicit about it by naming this as a defining choice. However, instead of taking myself out of public conversation about this or any difficult matter, I decided to address how I would strive to be if and when I did address them.

Respect is pretty straightforward, although desperately lacking in many public conversations. People matter and I’ll treat them that way. 

#5: choose to handle difficult matters with respect, gentleness, and an open mind

By gentleness, I mean the biblical understanding of the word, which some translations call meekness. Biblical gentleness is not weakness, nor is it self-debasing or a belittling of oneself. It is strength with control acting for good purposes. A story illustrating biblical gentleness is told of a guide taking a group of visitors through a factory. One of the things the guide showed them was a giant steam hammer capable of flattening an automobile. The guide then put down a walnut and had the hammer break the shell without hurting the meat of the nut. That is power under perfect control. That is what Jesus was like. That is what followers of Jesus are to be. That is how I seek to be in handling difficult matters. I can blast a person for not sharing my view, respond to rudeness with rudeness of my own, or try to “win” by overwhelming. Or I can choose gentleness. I’ve made my choice. 

As for the open mind, here’s the truth that I still don’t like but it is true nonetheless: I might be wrong. Someone else might have something to teach me. And even if at the end of a discussion I still think I’m right, to listen with a desire to learn and understand is good for me and clearly signifies to the other that they matter. 

#6: choose to reflect a life of personal humility and gratitude

In his book Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis wrote, “Do not imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call ’humble’ nowadays: he will not be a sort of greasy, swarmy person, who is always telling you that, of course, he is nobody. Probably all you will think about him is that he seems a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. If you do dislike him it will be because you feel a little envious of anyone who seems to enjoy life so easily. He will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all.” I want to be that guy. I want my private and public life to reflect that. 

I also want to reflect a life of gratitude. Larger than gratitude for my wife and family or that I live in this country at this moment in human history is another source of gratitude. When I think of my past and present failures, sins, and flaws, it is hard to wrap my mind around the reality that in spite of those things, I am declared in good standing with God. I am forgiven. When I slow down and think that though it is staggering. Out of that knowledge of what has happened to me, I can’t help but be grateful to God who did it through Christ. I want to have that gratitude front and center. 

With this choice I am saying I want humility and gratitude to be a conscious thought. This is about reflecting who am I portraying to the world. Is it the real me? And am I self-focused or other-focused? Do I show that I am I aware that life itself is a gift? Am I humble or prideful? Am I grateful or do I act entitled? I want all of that to be constantly on my mind in my use of social media and in my life in general. 

#7: choose to make the world a better place

This one is a big statement. Here’s what I mean. In my lifetime, in places within my ability to influence, I want to be an agent of good for this world, including how I use social media. 

The first and primary place to work to make the world a better place, the place each of us has the ability to influence most, is in the family. I choose to make the world a better place by paying attention to and continually improving the kind of husband I am to my wife, father I am to my children, father-in-law to my sons-in-law and brother, son, nephew, cousin, etc. I am to my extended family. I want improve this world as I influence, encourage and help my family, including on how I engage them on social media. So I will laugh with but not at my family publicly and privately. I will celebrate with their successes, not revel in failures. I will speak words of support, not demeaning, undermining, disrespectful words. I will show them love. 

Beyond the family, I can influence the world through my work as a pastor, involvement in the community, and serving in a few places nationally and globally. Similar words as said with family could be said as I work to influence, encourage, and help those within my reach in these areas. 

My platform to improve the world may not be as large as others, but it is mine. From my platform, I can seek to improve or strengthen my family, community, the next generation, the environment, food and hunger issues, responsible consumption, or social well being. I can volunteer with helping organizations, fight for a good cause, be civilly engaged, serve in community agencies, support local business, reduce waste by buying minimally and purging excess, smile and make eye contact with people, plant trees, and encourage others with words or notes. The list could go on forever. No one can do everything, but everyone can do something. The point is I choose to think about and act toward the improvement of the world in the places I can influence. That includes the influence I have on social media. And all of that applies to you as well. 

And So I Begin

I’m throwing my hat in the ring. I’m entering my voice into the conversations of the day. With this blog, I add my voice to those commenting on a range of life situations, social issues, family matters, cultural shifts, global trends, and, of course, matters of faith, hope, and love in all settings. Basically, this blog is about whole-life spirituality. 

Do we need another voice in an already saturated sea of commentators? No. However, as a pastor of a church, I am already a voice in a sea of commentators. I just haven’t used the blog format for this purpose until now. I’ve mostly had an occasional mission travel blog. So what I launch now is a work to speak into the human experience I pray is useful and faithful. 

A Blog for You

I intend to write for any person who has or is seeking faith. I do not write specifically for the scholar or church leader. Others are writing for them. I know. I read and am grateful for their works. This blog is for the business person, student, homemaker, server, healthcare worker, and government employee who loves Jesus and is looking for a help to live well and faithfully to God.  If that is you or you would like it to be, I look forward to sharing the journey of life with you. My prayer is that what God inspires me to write here, will inspire you to live a life of humility, faith, intellect, ease of spirit, civic engagement, and along the way, a good measure of fun. All of that in one person is sorely missing in the world today. 

A POSITIVE VOICE OF HOPE 

Behind the words on this blog is the same belief about God that drives all of my life as a Christian and ministry as a pastor. I believe God is sovereign and untamed, overflowing with fierce love, on the move in this world, and intimately involved in human lives. Because I believe that, I see the world differently. In a culture that seems to embrace despair and negativity, I am much more hopeful and positive. I want to help others see it that way too. This motivates me to build a community of people who see the world the same way and are thoughtful and passionate about life and faith and God. At the local level, the work of that community of people is inspiring worship, deep friendship, and a mission to bring about positive social change.  

So, I now begin and invite you to journey with me. This platform for blogging is new, so as soon as I figure out how to do it, I'll invite you to subscribe to these posts. And so I begin!